Cartoons and Children

Cartoons and children.
A friend introduced me to her 3 year old granddaughter. This baby is going to be an awesome witch. She came to me one night just being sweet, and showed me what she got out of Frozen. She stomped the floor in the center and made the snow flake. I helped her to find her staff of power and make the three circles, to our beautiful sister the Maiden, our nurturing Mother, and to our wise Grandmother. She knew, but she needed help putting names to things. Then we set the watchtowers to the six spirits. I helped her to find the portals to the gifts/ abilities she could get from each one. I was awestruck to tears with the beauty of Goddess and the spirits. We spent some time in there before we took down the towers and thanked the spirits, and took up the circles.
Disney has a way of quietly illustrating everything we need to know, then giving us an excuse to miss the point. Like everything else occult, you see it if you are meant to see, and miss it if you are not. As she grows, this baby does not come by so much, but she is already well skilled and growing powerfully. Like me, she sees magic and wonder in everything.
Blessings, and please, do yourself the favor of learning to see the awesome world our beautiful Goddess lays out before us.

Center Column alignment.

A quick note: Being dyslexic, and my own editor, on a notepad with auto-incorrect, can both cause interesting problems, and I may not catch them all. I appreciate your patience with my struggles.

I suppose I should write this down in case I don't return. This is the culmination of several years of study. Along the way several people have been very kind, if sometimes not the exact help I needed to get here. Likely I usually asked the wrong question. Out of the usual respect for the privacy of esoteric people I will not name them.

One lady is noteworthy though. She offered me a course she would usually have charged a lot of money for, free. While I learned a lot that has been useful, and she laid a lot of groundwork, her material did not make it into the method. She taught me a lot about getting into the alpha state,  and had a most interesting process for using labyrinths to cleanse, clear, and open chakras. This is particularly noteworthy because it would work for some people, just did not for me. I had larger problems to solve. My method is far from the only way, just the way that works ( I hope ) for me. I am doing this because it could happen they find my body and I am gone.

This is about opening all the chakras from the earth star, up the center column, to the soul star. If I see the way, I will leave without looking back. Each chakra requires to be open and clear, and aligned properly to the center column. I have found that the Vedic method of chanting 108 repetitions of each mantra is required to properly resonate each chakra and connect to the center column. This may not be exactly required for everybody, but it is necessary to have the chakras aligned and connected to the center column to work.

I notice that the earth star is not mentioned in the places I found it before, so I will discuss it. The earth star is a chakra outside the body that connects our energy to the earth. This sounds simple, but many people are damaged here. This causes clearing and grounding to be quite difficult. This is not directly connected to the center column, but likely will prevent this particular energy flow unless it is working right. There are non-deity mantram for most of the chakras, but this one I could not find any other way. The mantra: Om Shri Gaia Ma, Purnatva Gaia Ma, repeated 108 times daily will cleanse and open this for this purpose. My Hindu friends would shudder at the thought, but it is not necessary to get the words perfectly. It shows respect to the Deities involved to try to speak it right, but they hear from the heart, so exact pronunciation is more a matter of respect than being heard. It is entirely important to stay focused on energizing the chakra while doing the mantra. When it is right, it feels like something under you is tickling your underside. You really don't know it is completely right until you feel the energy flowing into and out of the next chakra.

This makes 9 chakras I will discuss. You may be familiar with 7 chakras. You may have heard of the 8th chakra, or soul star. I wasted a lot of time messing with sites promising to align chakras and prepare the soul star, only to get to key places and want an assinine amount of money to finish. Have better sense than to pay very much  for anything esoteric. The only person I have seen myself that wanted that much money that was for real was the woman I mentioned earlier. I have found numerous fakes. In this work, it is fair for the person teaching to expect to be compensated for their time, but online, most of them are in it for the money,  and rarely have the skills they profess.

This is expressive of my attitude in dealing with people online. I have not yet charged for anything other than readings. I refuse to do spells for anyone. I have been known to teach people how to get what they want for themselves, but not do it for them. I have had some that are unwilling to put the time and focus to get their result call me fake for refusing to do it for them. Their loss.

I hear lots of opinions on how this 'must' be done. I have worked with this several ways, and like pretty much everything else in esoteric work, it seems mostly to be about focus and intention. It is important to understand that ultimately, Deity is within us. This does not mean we have any 'right' to demand our way, nor to bend the universe necessarily to our will. I have done workings a lot of ways, bit I have found everything that is not for the greater good to be difficult. This requires purity of spirit most people seem incapable of.

Root chakra: This chakra is located right in your sex. It has three resonances, one forward, one rear, and one straight down. It is the straight down part that connects to earth energy. For me, the Deity connected way works best. This is not necessarily for everyone. Also, being male, my lowest chakras were done through Gods. To do this working I suggest trying different methods and seeing what works best. The neutral, or not necessarily deistic (don't get me started) mantra is: Om Lam Par Tatvaay Vam Sham Sham Om Phat. I have used a simple form of this, but I find that it is more about taking the time to properly resonate the chakra. You know the joke: Meditate one hour a day, and for those that don't have time, two hours. The Deity related mantra I used: Om Gam Ganapatayay Namaha. This gives respect to Lord Ganesha, who has been very kind to me, and worked nicely to resonate this chakra for me. The feminine mantra is: Om Saravanabhavaya Namah. Not being a woman, I can't vouch for this, but Shasti is one of several Vedic Goddesses related to childbirth and seemed most appropriate in the studies I did. It is likely appropriate to open a female chakra differently from a male chakra. Again, what works best is most right. It took about a week to open the Earth star and get consistent energy flow. It took a couple of days to open the root right, but several days to get the energy to flow right. Once open, push energy first down into the Earth star, then let it reflect back up, first into the chakra, then try to feel it run up your back. That column runs roughly along the spine, and can feel more like a pencil or string, or more like a large tube. You may feel it tickling your forehead or the top of your head, or may only feel it a little way up your back. Step by step feeling the Earth star tickling your lower energies, and the root tickling your center column are the first steps.

Sacral chakra: This chakra is located between the root, and the belly button. For a man, it roughly coincides with the prostate, and a woman, the womb. Again it leads to the obvious thought that they will work differently, but not necessarily so. It is still best to try and see what works. The non Deity mantra: Om Vam Vam Swaadhistthaanam Jaagray Jaagray Vam Vam Om Phat. Again, I used a similar form, but got better results another way. The male Deity I got results with was Lord Vishnu. The mantra I used was: Om Vishnave Namah. The Goddess Laxshmi, Vishnu's consort is an obvious choice. Om Hrim Shrim Lakshmi Bhyo Namaha. When I came to this step, and started flowing the energy, my root chakra became sore because I had not resonated the energy properly to the Earth star. It happens, but it is important to recognize the problem and do the corrective effort. I had resonated two more chakras before I got this right. All I did was to spend extra effort making sure I could feel the energy flowing from the root down, and back up into the chakra and column. Again, it is important to feel the energy flowing all the way down, and back up. Some people get away with resonating Om and feel the energy flowing  all the way down and up, others, like me, have to do 108 repetitions for each chakra every day to build the energy to move on to the next step. I have noticed that I can get interrupted enough to lose continuity, and do just a couple of each mantra to get back where I was.

Third chakra: This is known as the solar plexus chakra. That is the nervous center it is most directly connected to. In daily experience you may notice it varying from just above the belly button and the sternum. As I resonated each higher chakra, I noticed a warm energy where the energies of the chakras connect to the center column. The non Deity mantra: Om Ram Jaagrannay Manipuraay Ram Om Phat. Again, for me simpler sort of worked, but I got better results with the Deitistic mantra. This one was Lord Agni. He has also been nice to me, and it is fit to give respect as He helps me. Om Vaisvanaraya Vidmahe, Laleaya Dhimahi, Tanno Agnih Prachodayat. I did not look for any female aspect for this. I have not mentioned elemental associations up to here. For this working the connection is a bit vague, but if you are going to use this for other things, it could be important. Both the Earth star and root chakras associate with earth. The second chakra to water. This chakra to fire. Agni is the Hindu God of fire. This chakra was particularly obvious about getting warm when it was energized. All of them do more or less, but this one more. By now the meditation can be taking nearly an hour. 108 repetitions of several mantram  can take a while. I have tried shorter methods, but it seems to require more effort to build the energy to make the next step. This chakra particularly started to energize the brow and crown to the point of tickling or itching, and I could feel the energy moving from all the way down up the center column, sometimes to the crown.

Heart chakra: Mine was particularly damaged from having had a continuous string of bad relationships from childhood up. If you can relate to this, it is likely you should spend some extra time working through any issues. This chakra damaged causes "cut in half syndrome" What this means is that it is easy to resonate lower energies, or upper ones, but difficult to get them to work together. This comes from energy not passing through this chakra and causing blockage instead of moving with the power it should have. It can make workings outright impossible for lack of the ability to move energy. The non Deistic form: Om Yam Anaahtam Jaagray Jaagray Sfottay Om Shama. Since this was a problem area for me, I never got anywhere, easy or hard until now. This does not mean everything is fixed, just that there is enough progress to get what I want. I used a particular mantra to Kali. This was chosen because it is particularly purgative. Purging damage and bad energy is important if it is there. The mantra: Om Sri Maha Kalikayi Namaha. It has been three weeks I am working on this. I can feel the energy flow, and it warms when activated, but there is still need for improvement. This points out that sometimes it takes a while, and a lot of chanting to get a result. It also shows it is not necessary to be perfect, and there is such a thing as good enough.

Throat chakra: I started out in particularly good shape with this one. It still took several days to get the resonances right. It was taking about an hour and a half at this point. It is also a little harder to feel the resonance here because the voice resonance can mask the chakra resonance. The non Deity mantra: Om Ham Vishuddh Jaagray Jaagray Tatva Beejay Om Phat. I found the feminine approach best here again. The deistic form: Om Shri Sarasvati-ya Namaha. This went expectedly well except it takes a little more focus to resonate all the way down and back up. At this point it was normal to feel like my brow and crown were on fire most of the time, but curiously I had a day where I could not feel anything above it.

Brow chakra: Things change here. The top two chakras connect more directly, yet still activate separately. I could not find a non deistic mantra for this one. This God is androgenous, having both male and female form. This mantra: Om Ksham Ardhanarishvara Om Phat. It is easier here to lose the connection to the lower chakras, thus that much more important to make sure you are resonated all the way down. Once you have resonated the whole center column, resonating Om should be enough, but it doesn't always work. At this point my whole head felt somewhere between fuzzy and on fire. It took 108 of these every day for a week to get a good solid consistent resonance.

Crown chakra: This chakra resonates straight up. This is the top of the center column. The non deistic mantra: Om Hreem Sahastraaaram Jaagray Jaagray Sfottay Udbheday Ayeim Om Phat. As usual, I prayed, this time to Lord Shiva. Om Namaha Shivaya. As of this writing I am still working on getting both connected resonance and energy from the Earth star up. I have worked this whole time on the soul star. This is noteworthy at this moment because as I work here I can feel the pull of the energy up through this chakra, and can feel the restriction of being incomplete here.

Soul star: If you have gotten this far and don't have a Deity in mind, please stop. I shudder to think of taking this step and not having a clue where you want to go. There are those that wait and watch for us, and some of them are very bad, trust me. I have no clue how you would meet the Christian God from here. For a Vedic God I would recommend Brahma. In other workings, I found it well to meet Lord RA from here. My chosen mantra was: Om RA. I have not fully accessed this energy, but it feels like I have a beach ball sized fire resting on my head, especially if I am doing these last three in the rising sun. I can feel the upward pull on my energy, and that it is yet incomplete. I have said and meant it that if I can leave I will not look back.

I have tried to be thorough. I hope you find enough to be useful. The pull today was strong, but blocked. I will overcome the blockages, and don't actually know what will happen. Blessings

Raindrop meditation

      This comes up regularly, so it seems important to share. It is often important to both feel energy flow, and feel yourself in the flow of things. This exercise helps to find this perception.
     Imagine yourself to be a raindrop. You are falling out of the sky. There are others around you. It is a free feeling sliding down the air.
      Eventually you hit a leaf on a tree. You are still a drop, but you also join others and drip off the leaf. Maybe you fall on several leaves on the way to the ground, meeting and separating with other drops.
      As you hit the ground, you are still a drop, but you are joined with a lot of drops, running downhill. Eventually you reach a ditch, joining a lot of drops. As you flow down the ditch, there are drops flowing faster, slower, some in the middle, some on the sides.
      The ditch pours into a stream. Since it is raining, the stream has plenty of water. You are still yourself, and individual drop, but there are thousands like you, all drops flowing down. If you let yourself slide to the bottom, things are slower, and there is gravel to rumble around. If you move to the center things flow faster. There is a rock sticking up and you will flow on one side or the other.
      The stream finds a bigger stream. In this environment, there is a center that flows a bit faster, but being big it does not flow as fast, but more powerfully. You can find whirlpools where you can go backwards, but eventually you turn back to flowing down. You are with millions of drops, all flowing. Every drop is individual, just like you.
     The larger stream flows into a river. The force here is nearly unstoppable. It is slower, but huge. You can still go backwards in a whirlpool, slow down on the bottom or sides, but eventually you will flow along. It is cool to be with so many drops. You can see sights along the way.
      Eventually the river flows into the sea. The flow slows more, but becomes massively more powerful. There are drops more numerous than you would care to count. You meet drops from everywhere. You can still find places to slow down, ride in whirlpools, or flow in the main stream. Here, more than before, you can feel the pull of the moon, causing the tides, pulling the forces of life, pumping the currents.
     You can stay there, or you can accept the energy of the sun, rising back into the sky, rising, floating, moving up, soon to cool into a drop and fall somewhere.....
Blessings.

Mental Illness

          I scratch my head and get quizzical what makes people think they can act the way they do. I am  losing another night's sleep after another altercation with that emotionally violent sociopath I call a land "lady." I have never understood the motivation behind a person that can't  watch a humor show on tv until they have someone hating them enough to plot murder, and too disturbed to sleep or concentrate.
           In this society where good people are viciously punished for being good, and guns are easier to get than mental health care, it actually amazes me there is not more violence. The joke about people are alive because I am unwilling to do the jail time has stopped being funny. I have stopped being in relationships so as to stop having to clean dog piles off the floor and having people treat me like I am lying because they don't want to hear it after they lied to me. I finally got a pension that lacks $200 a month of paying my obligations, and have stopped working for people that work me like a  slave and steal from me. Ya, America. Whatever.
            Then there is the "Christian" thing. I listened to that bunch of urban myth and lies long enough. Now that I know from personal experience that the leader of the church is a lying ass, that the herd of prostitutes he calls "Christian businessmen" will screw anyone for a dollar, and that a "good Christian woman that will make a good Christian wife" is some town good time that everybody was in last week, and she will make the same round next week, there just isn't any sense listening to it. Then there is that "What did you do to make them act that way" thing. Ya, right. They never would have done that, I made them do it. Bullsh**. Now that I know they have all the "human decency" of a  herd of Nazi war criminals, I don't allow them into my life again.
             Then there is that law of attraction crap. I attracted that stuff into my day. Horsesh**. What I am guilty of is being raised sheltered enough to not know what an evil bunch of bastards people really are, until I was too far down to get out of it.
              Each year I practice, I understand more deeply why many of our kind have taken to living in remote places and avoiding "human" contact entirely. The energies people are built out of permanently stain a good soul. I have come to believe that the rule is that people have about all the soul of a plastic sack, and it is their job to drag the rest of us down. I hear that simplistic crap about just not allowing them in my life. Ya, right. Like how do you do that? There are these necessities like having to live somewhere, and eat. Pretty much involves people to do that. I am done with that stuff of my problems are simple and I am too stupid to solve them coming from some ass that has about the soul of a piece of plastic.
               Now that I understand that the "good woman" is an urban myth that people use to keep single men hopeful enough to date, and that "good people" are few enough and far enough between that I could go the rest of my life, and never see any face to face, I understand. These are the seven up people, never had it, never will.
               So why did I come here anyway?
    This morning the same person that did her best to destroy the last bit of cooperation with me decided to give notice, after taking the last of my money, to give termination notice on the lease. She will cry in a month when the money is gone, and wonder why life is so cruel. The Divine Miss M. does a song that seems about right just now, Is That All There Is?
    Monday I start troubleshooting my way through 'social services' to see what happens when I show up with 30 days notice to homelessness, crippled, and broke, and see what they have to say. Laugh riot. I have been making a less than motivated effort at this anyway, and am part way there, so now I get to see just how it works. I know, I am white, it is not for me. Whatever, when it is the last choice you have, it is the one.
    People have been 45 years since I became responsible for myself teaching me they can't be counted on. Now we get to find out. Somebody tell me I am up for a good surprise. Please?

Readings

For those that wish to go that deep this is a quote from an ancient book, the Liber T, the earliest trace I have is as far back as the Ordo Templi Ordis, from middle Europe, but the author called it a re-issue than and said it was much older. If yo read this, you will see, they took their cards quite seriously. My approach is not intended to go quite that deep, but to get close enough to get there from where we finish.

"Tarot’s Hidden Language
One of the greatest contributions of this present book is that it provides a paced program for
building each of these 78 symbol sets into the patterns of your subconscious mind. This is accomplished
in layers, beginning with the Trumps or Greater Arcana; then moving to the Lesser
Arcana, the meaning of which is founded on the Trumps; and concluding with the Court Cards,
knowledge of which is built atop one’s understanding of the Majors and Minors.
Learning to truly read the Tarot (rather than simply regurgitate learned meanings) rests on
thorough, systematic meditation on the cards. Books do not have most of what you need for
this because you have to get it from within yourself. You need to learn certain core definitions,
and need to establish them in right relationship to each other in your subconscious mind. Then
the real instruction begins! We state as plainly as possible this key to the esoteric language of
Tarot: The traditional divinatory meanings actually written in this book are a veil. The deeper
language is learned by applying the methods prescribed in each chapter.
Figuratively speaking, each Trump is a word; each Minor is a sentence composed of several
words; and each Court Card is a paragraph composed of several sentences.
As with native language skills, this assimilation has its own pace. The best, longest-lasting
results have been produced when students spend no less than three days incorporating each card
– each meme, or transmissible unit of consciousness – into their brains. At this pace, the basics of
the entire Tarot will be assimilated in 39 weeks, roughly the time it takes a woman to make a baby.
And, as when gestating a baby, it does not help to rush things!
After this initial nine months, a further 78-week pass through the cards is advised (one week
for each card). These primary and secondary passes, thus, take about 27 months, at the end of
which your mind will be perceiving, thinking, and speaking in the hidden language of Tarot
which has never been written… because it does not exist in the words of any spoken language.
Dialogue With the Divine
The final chapter of the book deals with the art of divination – of drawing insight on the past,
the present, and the future from correct use of Tarot cards.
“Divination,” of course, is derived from the word “divine.” It differs from simple “fortune
telling” because it is foremost an entering into relationship with the Divine. Once the language of
Tarot is incorporated into your cells, the cards become primarily a focus of intuition. Properly
understood, they present a series of symbols that lead the mind into a deeper relationship with
the principles pertaining to the problem under consideration. This focus on principles provides
the querent – yourself or another – a basis for choice, rather than a dogmatic pronouncement
about the future.
The first method of divination given in Chapter 4 is believed to have originated with the
Golden Dawn. It has been rewritten, based on feedback from students, in an effort to make it
more comprehensible and usable. A second, much simpler, yet relatively unknown nine-card
method is given, which many students have found valuable is assessing the psychological and
spiritual conditions within which they are living."
The process he describes tries to make it possible to read through having ego in an act of will to read. The efforts of many teachers in that time was to have conscious control of the craft. I have learned that it is both easier and better placed to let the unconscious make much of the effort since it does most of the work anyway. That, and conscious control puts the skills in place to be abused. The higher self has a well built set of morals that is to be trusted. It is appropriate to let your efforts be guided by spirit instead of trying to use flawed and incomplete reasoning to make moral decisions.

Abilities

     I have worked with several people over the last few years. It is interesting how it happens. Something we are cautioned about in the craft has never happened.  We are cautioned about people come having wrong motives. I have met several, well skilled, and years experienced, and they know better, but never met any noobs asking.
    People come in various stages of readiness. Some are intrigued, and I believe, honestly interested, but as they learn they get .... maybe freaked?... and start with this 'that isn't normal' stuff.
      One of my favorite illustrations is a scene from an old show Roswell. At the end of the series, the hybrid was objecting to his trainer that these 'alien' abilities have him all freaked out. His trainer stopped him cold and explained 'these are not alien abilities, these are your human abilities. You have not even touched your alien abilities'.
      In the craft, we do not 'learn' the abilities. This is not some 'power we get from somewhere.' We are born with abilities. As babies before we speak, we learn to 'dumb down' to meet parents that don't feel us, and can't communicate with us. Many of us grow to adulthood and never find those things again.
       In the book 'Firestarter' by Stephen King the little girl was born with the ability to start fires active and working. They had fire extinguishers everywhere until she 'potty trained' her ability.
       We are all born with these abilities. We are just taught parentally and socially to pretend we don't. We are told it is 'not normal' and it is 'wrong' to have this, much less to use it. This is not entirely wrong. We should not have this until we are able to use it responsibly.
      The society we live in makes this nearly impossible. The reason they fear us is that they think if they could do this stuff they would abuse the ability, and expect us to. They don't understand having the ability to do profound abuses, and the purity of spirit to know not to.
      There is an upside, for example, to being able to feel things so deeply. I come up knowing a lot of stuff about people. There are several down sides. I pick up on a lot of stuff I really don't want to know. When I sense another with abilities, they usually cover and hide. I don't blame them. I have certainly been punished enough for mine.
     So we know abilities are normal, and born within us. As I was exploring my pantheon I was being mentored by a woman that was years more experienced. I told her one day that I was getting a lot of my stuff from Hecate. She was almost upset telling me I could get in trouble that way. I agreed, but explained that I just went uncovered, dead honest, with nothing to hide and it seemed ok. She told me I would not have any trouble like that.
     I have a certain access to the oracle of truth. When the moment is right, I open my mouth and truth I didn't even know comes out. There is a catch. I have to be totally honest all the time. I can be misinformed (though I get held responsible for that) but I can not outright lie and have this. I could have better connection, but I have not gone through the rigors. I don't know I am capable of the level of dedication to go deeper with this.
      This is what the song is all about. In order to have the profound abilities, there are responsibilities. We are not given the ability to see into people's souls so that we can snoop, or manipulate them. We are not given these abilities for our own personal gain. It is important to be able to be honest with ourselves about doing for the greater good.
     We have sayings such as: as above, so below, another: as within, so without. This song is about spiritual creatures that exist in that realm as surely as you sit reading this. They also exist within us. They have special and profound abilities, but the song cautions that we have responsibilities before we can have that. There are things about our own spirits that we must master before we are mature enough to have the ability.
      This is where the problem with misguided people in the craft comes from. There are ways around the responsibilities, but they come with prices. If you are not mature enough to have deep understanding of people, the stuff they carry can drive you crazy.  This is much of why many of us are isolated. The irritation and sadness of dealing with most people can get unbearable.
     Aleister Crowley, one of the most profound teachers I have learned from, Is also described as singularly the most evil person one individual had ever met. His downfall is that he had the idea he could use his ability any way he wanted, and make spirits do his will. This is not exactly wrong, but must be taken  in balance with working for the greater good, and  dealing from non self serving motives, or it does what it did to him.
       I limit my use of a certain tool. It makes things happen. It is easy to use, .... right, there is a catch. It must be used responsibly or it gets tragic results. When I first made it I was turning lights on and off, overturning bookshelves, and knocking things off tables. (All this with both shoulders pinned firmly to the bed) It took a while to 'potty train' those abilities to stop doing that while I was doing other things.
      Believe
      Get used to the idea that this stuff is not just tv, you can do it. .... Right, there's a catch. Really it is either or. You can learn the spiritual responsibility, and handle it with maturity, or you can get it the other way, and it will hurt you and everyone around you.
      Stone levitation
      Imagine the trouble a drunk on a bad day could do with this. I will pretty much help anyone that seems to have an honest purpose, but I have to watch to prevent giving things to people that should not have it. People do not fear us for what we are or can do, they fear what they think they would do if they could. Good thing they think they can't. Good thing nobody told them they can.
Blessings.

Denial

     I have noticed that people want to believe the best to the point that they will insist the person telling the truth is lying, not because he is wrong, but that they don't want to hear that their world view is wrong. This world view that people are good and kind has distinct flaws.

      I moved into a room nearly two years ago. As I moved in the other male roommate was going to jail for domestic violence. It took a year for me to sort through the lies and defective world views and understand what actually happened.

       The land "lady" has got to be the most evil spirited person I have ever met. Piecing together what was left of the truth, what happened was she took his last dollar on Friday, then threw him out homeless on Monday, and conveniently left that out while she was filing charges for him getting violently angry being treated like that.

     He honestly does have an anger management problem, and he has the attitude that he is some genius that can argue his way into anything he wants to do and get violent if he doesn't get his way. That didn't help him much as he was walking away in handcuffs, but it is still a chore to get him to understand that he has work to do.

      That mortally wounded her ability to understand that the way she treated him precipitated his behavior. She walks through life with the attitude that she has a right to strip a man down to dead broke, throw him out homeless, and move on to the next one, and this should not reflect negatively on her.

       In a recent discussion she was trying to tell me that my world view is messed up, and that she is a good, decent person that is just victim to the evil attitudes of others.

    She has been caught stealing our tools and swearing she had nothing to do with it. She finally had one of us record her behavior and play back to her that she will stomp the floor, cry, cuss, lie, shout,... visibly the most emotionally abusive person I have ever met. In one such exchange I quietly explained that she could act that way for another 3 hours (which she would do) and I would still not have another dollar in my pocket.

     She moved a flock of chickens into the house 6 feet from the kitchen counter, then swore she was following CDC guidelines, and insisted she only had to clean them once a week. I saw the webpage she was working from. There was a sentence at the top in all caps that said "since you have chosen to ignore our warnings, follow these safety rules" From there she proceeded to break every rule on the page. It took a 3-1/2 hour argument to get her to flex from piss on you to she might be able to make some adjustments. Today she swears I was an ass and she could not cooperate enough to pacify me.

    This is bad enough, but having people assume this emotionally violent, verbally abusive jerk is a decent person, and I am just being unfair to her is societal level denial. The worst damage it does is that this emotionally ill person is never going to have enough pressure come to bear to get her to look at herself. She will always be supported by the assumption that the man that got violent is wrong and she was completely innocent.

      Over time I have been in counseling after each of three divorces, only to be told first that I did not have any serious problems, and after the third divorce, did three twelve step programs looking for what was wrong. This is entirely due to a society where the man is always wrong, and the woman is always innocent.

     In the twelve step programs they require to take " a fearless, and brutally honest personal inventory" It takes a couple of tries to get it right. I may be less than perfect about it, but I have noticed that the people that have never done this try to tell me I am all messed up, and are totally pig headed about looking at themselves. They try  to tell me, that takes the inventory four times a year, that I am messed up, and they, that will lie, make excuses, or make any other effort to refuse to look how unfair they have been, are completely innocent.

      Until the principles used in the twelve step programs start getting applied in a more widespread way, and the assumption that the most stubborn person is right is dealt with, the arrogant, stubborn, self centered, abusive people will continue to have the idea they are right.

    I am not going to listen to someone that has wronged me, then lied about it, telling me that I am messed up.

     Nobody lives like it, but I know most of them were taught, "what would it feel like if someone treated you that way?" It seems the new rule is: do whatever you want, then lie about it until you get your way. The most stubborn person wins.

Relationships

    Often, I write to think. It seems when I see my thoughts on a page it is easier to see perspective.
     I have been divorced 3 times, and thrown about a dozen live-ins out until I just find it easier to live alone. I find it interesting that women often claim to love, and do relationship killer behavior, then swear the man just doesn't understand them. If he really understood them, he would have split before he ever got started.
     It took several years of studying lay psychology to understand what I was seeing in relationships. I had been mystified why people treated me like whatever I said had nothing to do with what I meant. I later discovered that this is the usual way people think. They say things are one way, but behave like it is something else entirely. "I want to be successful.", followed up by never making any effort to excel in what they do, never getting any education, never looking for positions in upward mobile situations. What? Is it supposed to fall out of the sky?
      In relationship it takes only slightly different form. "I want a good man that will be kind to me and care about me." Oh, really? Is that why you go to the scrounge lounge and go home with any drug addict that will use you and slap you around? Not to mention the three guys at work that have a crib, a ride, and a job, that you act insulted every time they say anything nice to you? How about the decent guy you dated a few times, dangled the candy, then withdrew the offer and waited for him to get frustrated and quit?
    Miscommunication, right. I have repeatedly heard things like "I love you, and care for you, but I just can't do that for you." Right. You can go to a bar and do that for some total stranger when you are feeling lonely or have an itch to scratch, but it is too much to ask for the guy you moved in with to want. I have seen both sides of this behavior. A woman that actually wants a particular man will make any excuse to get where she wants to be with him, and a woman that doesn't care will make any excuse to let a man down. Watch the excuses. Then it is all about "we had a miscommunication." .... Right.
      When a woman is happy about a man, she makes time to be with him, and makes an effort toward his needs and feelings. When she doesn't care, she makes excuses, and he becomes last on her list of priorities.
    The sad thing is that when the man is kind, and complimentary, and tries to show her good feelings, she pores through his efforts looking for any excuse to make a cutting remark out of a compliment, or read an ulterior motive into a kindness.
     In the final days of my first marriage my wife of five years finally took off 40 of the 80 extra pounds she was carrying, got a custom bra for that great rack of hers, and some nice clothes. As she dressed for work one day, I was noticing between dressing myself, and commented "Wow, baby, your efforts are really paying off. You are really looking sharp." She burst into tears. She was done with me, and wanted cutting remarks and meanness to justify how she was treating me, and it was hurting her that I was being honestly nice. I live in certainty that she was hanging with women training to make the same complaints they were making about the alcoholics they were with so she could say the same things about me, true or not. When I was kind it took away all the justification for her lies. When she started being out without me on weekends until two in the morning, I got a lawyer.
     The standard dating excuse: I am washing my hair, and it takes all evening. As a teenager that worked. After I was married the first time I understood, if she had something she really wanted to do, she would be showered and hair washed, blow dried, made up and out the door in an hour. She is not going to be honest enough to just say, I am not interested. Why is she not interested? She is dating some 'exciting' drunk that will take chances on wrecking getting her drunk enough to lower her guard. She says: 'He turns me on' Now, the guy she is living with, that pays the bills, is patient with her spending behavior, and cuddles her when she is hurting? 'You just don't turn me on.'
     As I have gotten older, women that are on my radar have taken the toll of the years. That's ok, I am getting a bit beat up too. Most of them have not updated any of their behaviors. They are running out of drunks because the ones that have not died from their antics and related health issues, many are permanently in prison. Available? No. Now they are bitter, pissed off, and getting revenge on anyone that gets close. One of the deadly things women say: Whatever.
      The standard pattern for decent men: She starts out cute, sexy, playful, interesting, fun, deep sharing. This is the stuff I am looking for. She is showing me a personality I want to be with. Then the pattern starts. First occasionally, but soon always, she is too busy and tired to feel sexy anymore. She stops sharing. It starts to be an effort to get her to talk, she says pretty much nothing, then sandbags the conversation until I stop trying. Then she tells me I shut the relationship down. Right. I was kind. I complimented her when it was meet. When she put on twenty or more pounds, on the bad days I didn't say anything, and on better days I liked her smile or something. Told her she was more cuddly that way. That translates to I made cutting remarks and stopped talking to her. After a while of being alone during shared time, because she was somewhere else, and being last on her list of priorities, I finally walk away.
     Since I don't date anymore, cyber relationships are how it works. I have found it is not really any different. I met someone a while back. It followed the usual pattern. At first she was funny and playful. As usual she had her issues, but most of the time was pleasant and interesting. She had a definite sexy side. I was looking forward to meeting her in person. Then the usual changes happened. The sexy side turned into a bunch of excuses and she was not interested any more. She had an injury that was leaving her sore, and I kind of understood, but I also understand the pattern that a woman that wants things to happen makes excuses to happen, and one that does not makes excuses. When she had time, she made it secret because she had other priorities. I thought something had changed because I was seeing what looked like serious chat lag when we talked, and it seemed to get worse. After a while a friend sent me a student. In esoteric work most of the students are women. This one is in a relationship with a woman. She is at least twenty years off the bottom of the radar. I have learned that the only way to have a cross gender training is if there is no inclination to start a relationship. Otherwise the teacher needs to be the same gender as the student. This woman flew into a jealous rage and broke it off because I had that student, and she was ready to go places with the training. She told me I had stopped teaching her. She had started making excuses, and telling me things like it can't work and it isn't right. I stopped trying to get her to see and let her believe what she wanted.
     The other day she wanted to try some more. She was talking all sexy and stuff, and I was starting to get happy about it when the chat lag got bad and I thought maybe it would have to wait. Then she pops up with a joke. She is telling me she wants hot chat, and wants me focused, so I put everything else aside for her, then she is checking her messages while telling me how excited she is. Then she tries to tell me there was miscommunication. Sorry, kid, the message is quite clear. I am dead last on the list of priorities, anything that happens with me is not worth your attention, and you are too busy to be bothered with me. That has been coming through for a while.
      Women don't seem to understand how the behavior they do every day is hurtful and inconsiderate. A good man is like a chair you set in the corner, get out when you want to use it, and set aside when you have other priorities. Men don't have any feelings, so it is unimportant to care how he feels or what he needs. Just make excuses to do whatever you feel like, and if you are cornered, lie. It is ok to put him off until you frustrate him into giving up, then tell him he doesn't try hard enough. Whatever.
       When I put it into plain language. like I have done here, I am doing a 'targeted rant'  specifically to be hurtful.
      Not really. I have been looking at this for years. I have understood the patterns so well that people that are unaware they are like this become obvious to me. It should not be necessary for a man to lose his human needs and feelings, and be a psychiatrist to have a relationship. When the stone wall is that I am required to give quality to a woman, and she will decide after whether she cares, there is not enough up front for me to get interested.
      Whatever. Up for a lot of quiet nights.. again.