For those that wish to go that deep this is a quote from an ancient book, the Liber T, the earliest trace I have is as far back as the Ordo Templi Ordis, from middle Europe, but the author called it a re-issue than and said it was much older. If yo read this, you will see, they took their cards quite seriously. My approach is not intended to go quite that deep, but to get close enough to get there from where we finish.
"Tarot’s Hidden Language
One of the greatest contributions of this present book is that it provides a paced program for
building each of these 78 symbol sets into the patterns of your subconscious mind. This is accomplished
in layers, beginning with the Trumps or Greater Arcana; then moving to the Lesser
Arcana, the meaning of which is founded on the Trumps; and concluding with the Court Cards,
knowledge of which is built atop one’s understanding of the Majors and Minors.
Learning to truly read the Tarot (rather than simply regurgitate learned meanings) rests on
thorough, systematic meditation on the cards. Books do not have most of what you need for
this because you have to get it from within yourself. You need to learn certain core definitions,
and need to establish them in right relationship to each other in your subconscious mind. Then
the real instruction begins! We state as plainly as possible this key to the esoteric language of
Tarot: The traditional divinatory meanings actually written in this book are a veil. The deeper
language is learned by applying the methods prescribed in each chapter.
Figuratively speaking, each Trump is a word; each Minor is a sentence composed of several
words; and each Court Card is a paragraph composed of several sentences.
As with native language skills, this assimilation has its own pace. The best, longest-lasting
results have been produced when students spend no less than three days incorporating each card
– each meme, or transmissible unit of consciousness – into their brains. At this pace, the basics of
the entire Tarot will be assimilated in 39 weeks, roughly the time it takes a woman to make a baby.
And, as when gestating a baby, it does not help to rush things!
After this initial nine months, a further 78-week pass through the cards is advised (one week
for each card). These primary and secondary passes, thus, take about 27 months, at the end of
which your mind will be perceiving, thinking, and speaking in the hidden language of Tarot
which has never been written… because it does not exist in the words of any spoken language.
Dialogue With the Divine
The final chapter of the book deals with the art of divination – of drawing insight on the past,
the present, and the future from correct use of Tarot cards.
“Divination,” of course, is derived from the word “divine.” It differs from simple “fortune
telling” because it is foremost an entering into relationship with the Divine. Once the language of
Tarot is incorporated into your cells, the cards become primarily a focus of intuition. Properly
understood, they present a series of symbols that lead the mind into a deeper relationship with
the principles pertaining to the problem under consideration. This focus on principles provides
the querent – yourself or another – a basis for choice, rather than a dogmatic pronouncement
about the future.
The first method of divination given in Chapter 4 is believed to have originated with the
Golden Dawn. It has been rewritten, based on feedback from students, in an effort to make it
more comprehensible and usable. A second, much simpler, yet relatively unknown nine-card
method is given, which many students have found valuable is assessing the psychological and
spiritual conditions within which they are living."
The process he describes tries to make it possible to read through having ego in an act of will to read. The efforts of many teachers in that time was to have conscious control of the craft. I have learned that it is both easier and better placed to let the unconscious make much of the effort since it does most of the work anyway. That, and conscious control puts the skills in place to be abused. The higher self has a well built set of morals that is to be trusted. It is appropriate to let your efforts be guided by spirit instead of trying to use flawed and incomplete reasoning to make moral decisions.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Friday, July 25, 2014
Abilities
I have worked with several people over the last few years. It is interesting how it happens. Something we are cautioned about in the craft has never happened. We are cautioned about people come having wrong motives. I have met several, well skilled, and years experienced, and they know better, but never met any noobs asking.
People come in various stages of readiness. Some are intrigued, and I believe, honestly interested, but as they learn they get .... maybe freaked?... and start with this 'that isn't normal' stuff.
One of my favorite illustrations is a scene from an old show Roswell. At the end of the series, the hybrid was objecting to his trainer that these 'alien' abilities have him all freaked out. His trainer stopped him cold and explained 'these are not alien abilities, these are your human abilities. You have not even touched your alien abilities'.
In the craft, we do not 'learn' the abilities. This is not some 'power we get from somewhere.' We are born with abilities. As babies before we speak, we learn to 'dumb down' to meet parents that don't feel us, and can't communicate with us. Many of us grow to adulthood and never find those things again.
In the book 'Firestarter' by Stephen King the little girl was born with the ability to start fires active and working. They had fire extinguishers everywhere until she 'potty trained' her ability.
We are all born with these abilities. We are just taught parentally and socially to pretend we don't. We are told it is 'not normal' and it is 'wrong' to have this, much less to use it. This is not entirely wrong. We should not have this until we are able to use it responsibly.
The society we live in makes this nearly impossible. The reason they fear us is that they think if they could do this stuff they would abuse the ability, and expect us to. They don't understand having the ability to do profound abuses, and the purity of spirit to know not to.
There is an upside, for example, to being able to feel things so deeply. I come up knowing a lot of stuff about people. There are several down sides. I pick up on a lot of stuff I really don't want to know. When I sense another with abilities, they usually cover and hide. I don't blame them. I have certainly been punished enough for mine.
So we know abilities are normal, and born within us. As I was exploring my pantheon I was being mentored by a woman that was years more experienced. I told her one day that I was getting a lot of my stuff from Hecate. She was almost upset telling me I could get in trouble that way. I agreed, but explained that I just went uncovered, dead honest, with nothing to hide and it seemed ok. She told me I would not have any trouble like that.
I have a certain access to the oracle of truth. When the moment is right, I open my mouth and truth I didn't even know comes out. There is a catch. I have to be totally honest all the time. I can be misinformed (though I get held responsible for that) but I can not outright lie and have this. I could have better connection, but I have not gone through the rigors. I don't know I am capable of the level of dedication to go deeper with this.
This is what the song is all about. In order to have the profound abilities, there are responsibilities. We are not given the ability to see into people's souls so that we can snoop, or manipulate them. We are not given these abilities for our own personal gain. It is important to be able to be honest with ourselves about doing for the greater good.
We have sayings such as: as above, so below, another: as within, so without. This song is about spiritual creatures that exist in that realm as surely as you sit reading this. They also exist within us. They have special and profound abilities, but the song cautions that we have responsibilities before we can have that. There are things about our own spirits that we must master before we are mature enough to have the ability.
This is where the problem with misguided people in the craft comes from. There are ways around the responsibilities, but they come with prices. If you are not mature enough to have deep understanding of people, the stuff they carry can drive you crazy. This is much of why many of us are isolated. The irritation and sadness of dealing with most people can get unbearable.
Aleister Crowley, one of the most profound teachers I have learned from, Is also described as singularly the most evil person one individual had ever met. His downfall is that he had the idea he could use his ability any way he wanted, and make spirits do his will. This is not exactly wrong, but must be taken in balance with working for the greater good, and dealing from non self serving motives, or it does what it did to him.
I limit my use of a certain tool. It makes things happen. It is easy to use, .... right, there is a catch. It must be used responsibly or it gets tragic results. When I first made it I was turning lights on and off, overturning bookshelves, and knocking things off tables. (All this with both shoulders pinned firmly to the bed) It took a while to 'potty train' those abilities to stop doing that while I was doing other things.
Believe
Get used to the idea that this stuff is not just tv, you can do it. .... Right, there's a catch. Really it is either or. You can learn the spiritual responsibility, and handle it with maturity, or you can get it the other way, and it will hurt you and everyone around you.
Stone levitation
Imagine the trouble a drunk on a bad day could do with this. I will pretty much help anyone that seems to have an honest purpose, but I have to watch to prevent giving things to people that should not have it. People do not fear us for what we are or can do, they fear what they think they would do if they could. Good thing they think they can't. Good thing nobody told them they can.
Blessings.
Monday, July 21, 2014
Denial
I have noticed that people want to believe the best to the point that they will insist the person telling the truth is lying, not because he is wrong, but that they don't want to hear that their world view is wrong. This world view that people are good and kind has distinct flaws.
I moved into a room nearly two years ago. As I moved in the other male roommate was going to jail for domestic violence. It took a year for me to sort through the lies and defective world views and understand what actually happened.
The land "lady" has got to be the most evil spirited person I have ever met. Piecing together what was left of the truth, what happened was she took his last dollar on Friday, then threw him out homeless on Monday, and conveniently left that out while she was filing charges for him getting violently angry being treated like that.
He honestly does have an anger management problem, and he has the attitude that he is some genius that can argue his way into anything he wants to do and get violent if he doesn't get his way. That didn't help him much as he was walking away in handcuffs, but it is still a chore to get him to understand that he has work to do.
That mortally wounded her ability to understand that the way she treated him precipitated his behavior. She walks through life with the attitude that she has a right to strip a man down to dead broke, throw him out homeless, and move on to the next one, and this should not reflect negatively on her.
In a recent discussion she was trying to tell me that my world view is messed up, and that she is a good, decent person that is just victim to the evil attitudes of others.
She has been caught stealing our tools and swearing she had nothing to do with it. She finally had one of us record her behavior and play back to her that she will stomp the floor, cry, cuss, lie, shout,... visibly the most emotionally abusive person I have ever met. In one such exchange I quietly explained that she could act that way for another 3 hours (which she would do) and I would still not have another dollar in my pocket.
She moved a flock of chickens into the house 6 feet from the kitchen counter, then swore she was following CDC guidelines, and insisted she only had to clean them once a week. I saw the webpage she was working from. There was a sentence at the top in all caps that said "since you have chosen to ignore our warnings, follow these safety rules" From there she proceeded to break every rule on the page. It took a 3-1/2 hour argument to get her to flex from piss on you to she might be able to make some adjustments. Today she swears I was an ass and she could not cooperate enough to pacify me.
This is bad enough, but having people assume this emotionally violent, verbally abusive jerk is a decent person, and I am just being unfair to her is societal level denial. The worst damage it does is that this emotionally ill person is never going to have enough pressure come to bear to get her to look at herself. She will always be supported by the assumption that the man that got violent is wrong and she was completely innocent.
Over time I have been in counseling after each of three divorces, only to be told first that I did not have any serious problems, and after the third divorce, did three twelve step programs looking for what was wrong. This is entirely due to a society where the man is always wrong, and the woman is always innocent.
In the twelve step programs they require to take " a fearless, and brutally honest personal inventory" It takes a couple of tries to get it right. I may be less than perfect about it, but I have noticed that the people that have never done this try to tell me I am all messed up, and are totally pig headed about looking at themselves. They try to tell me, that takes the inventory four times a year, that I am messed up, and they, that will lie, make excuses, or make any other effort to refuse to look how unfair they have been, are completely innocent.
Until the principles used in the twelve step programs start getting applied in a more widespread way, and the assumption that the most stubborn person is right is dealt with, the arrogant, stubborn, self centered, abusive people will continue to have the idea they are right.
I am not going to listen to someone that has wronged me, then lied about it, telling me that I am messed up.
Nobody lives like it, but I know most of them were taught, "what would it feel like if someone treated you that way?" It seems the new rule is: do whatever you want, then lie about it until you get your way. The most stubborn person wins.
I moved into a room nearly two years ago. As I moved in the other male roommate was going to jail for domestic violence. It took a year for me to sort through the lies and defective world views and understand what actually happened.
The land "lady" has got to be the most evil spirited person I have ever met. Piecing together what was left of the truth, what happened was she took his last dollar on Friday, then threw him out homeless on Monday, and conveniently left that out while she was filing charges for him getting violently angry being treated like that.
He honestly does have an anger management problem, and he has the attitude that he is some genius that can argue his way into anything he wants to do and get violent if he doesn't get his way. That didn't help him much as he was walking away in handcuffs, but it is still a chore to get him to understand that he has work to do.
That mortally wounded her ability to understand that the way she treated him precipitated his behavior. She walks through life with the attitude that she has a right to strip a man down to dead broke, throw him out homeless, and move on to the next one, and this should not reflect negatively on her.
In a recent discussion she was trying to tell me that my world view is messed up, and that she is a good, decent person that is just victim to the evil attitudes of others.
She has been caught stealing our tools and swearing she had nothing to do with it. She finally had one of us record her behavior and play back to her that she will stomp the floor, cry, cuss, lie, shout,... visibly the most emotionally abusive person I have ever met. In one such exchange I quietly explained that she could act that way for another 3 hours (which she would do) and I would still not have another dollar in my pocket.
She moved a flock of chickens into the house 6 feet from the kitchen counter, then swore she was following CDC guidelines, and insisted she only had to clean them once a week. I saw the webpage she was working from. There was a sentence at the top in all caps that said "since you have chosen to ignore our warnings, follow these safety rules" From there she proceeded to break every rule on the page. It took a 3-1/2 hour argument to get her to flex from piss on you to she might be able to make some adjustments. Today she swears I was an ass and she could not cooperate enough to pacify me.
This is bad enough, but having people assume this emotionally violent, verbally abusive jerk is a decent person, and I am just being unfair to her is societal level denial. The worst damage it does is that this emotionally ill person is never going to have enough pressure come to bear to get her to look at herself. She will always be supported by the assumption that the man that got violent is wrong and she was completely innocent.
Over time I have been in counseling after each of three divorces, only to be told first that I did not have any serious problems, and after the third divorce, did three twelve step programs looking for what was wrong. This is entirely due to a society where the man is always wrong, and the woman is always innocent.
In the twelve step programs they require to take " a fearless, and brutally honest personal inventory" It takes a couple of tries to get it right. I may be less than perfect about it, but I have noticed that the people that have never done this try to tell me I am all messed up, and are totally pig headed about looking at themselves. They try to tell me, that takes the inventory four times a year, that I am messed up, and they, that will lie, make excuses, or make any other effort to refuse to look how unfair they have been, are completely innocent.
Until the principles used in the twelve step programs start getting applied in a more widespread way, and the assumption that the most stubborn person is right is dealt with, the arrogant, stubborn, self centered, abusive people will continue to have the idea they are right.
I am not going to listen to someone that has wronged me, then lied about it, telling me that I am messed up.
Nobody lives like it, but I know most of them were taught, "what would it feel like if someone treated you that way?" It seems the new rule is: do whatever you want, then lie about it until you get your way. The most stubborn person wins.
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Relationships
Often, I write to think. It seems when I see my thoughts on a page it is easier to see perspective.
I have been divorced 3 times, and thrown about a dozen live-ins out until I just find it easier to live alone. I find it interesting that women often claim to love, and do relationship killer behavior, then swear the man just doesn't understand them. If he really understood them, he would have split before he ever got started.
It took several years of studying lay psychology to understand what I was seeing in relationships. I had been mystified why people treated me like whatever I said had nothing to do with what I meant. I later discovered that this is the usual way people think. They say things are one way, but behave like it is something else entirely. "I want to be successful.", followed up by never making any effort to excel in what they do, never getting any education, never looking for positions in upward mobile situations. What? Is it supposed to fall out of the sky?
In relationship it takes only slightly different form. "I want a good man that will be kind to me and care about me." Oh, really? Is that why you go to the scrounge lounge and go home with any drug addict that will use you and slap you around? Not to mention the three guys at work that have a crib, a ride, and a job, that you act insulted every time they say anything nice to you? How about the decent guy you dated a few times, dangled the candy, then withdrew the offer and waited for him to get frustrated and quit?
Miscommunication, right. I have repeatedly heard things like "I love you, and care for you, but I just can't do that for you." Right. You can go to a bar and do that for some total stranger when you are feeling lonely or have an itch to scratch, but it is too much to ask for the guy you moved in with to want. I have seen both sides of this behavior. A woman that actually wants a particular man will make any excuse to get where she wants to be with him, and a woman that doesn't care will make any excuse to let a man down. Watch the excuses. Then it is all about "we had a miscommunication." .... Right.
When a woman is happy about a man, she makes time to be with him, and makes an effort toward his needs and feelings. When she doesn't care, she makes excuses, and he becomes last on her list of priorities.
The sad thing is that when the man is kind, and complimentary, and tries to show her good feelings, she pores through his efforts looking for any excuse to make a cutting remark out of a compliment, or read an ulterior motive into a kindness.
In the final days of my first marriage my wife of five years finally took off 40 of the 80 extra pounds she was carrying, got a custom bra for that great rack of hers, and some nice clothes. As she dressed for work one day, I was noticing between dressing myself, and commented "Wow, baby, your efforts are really paying off. You are really looking sharp." She burst into tears. She was done with me, and wanted cutting remarks and meanness to justify how she was treating me, and it was hurting her that I was being honestly nice. I live in certainty that she was hanging with women training to make the same complaints they were making about the alcoholics they were with so she could say the same things about me, true or not. When I was kind it took away all the justification for her lies. When she started being out without me on weekends until two in the morning, I got a lawyer.
The standard dating excuse: I am washing my hair, and it takes all evening. As a teenager that worked. After I was married the first time I understood, if she had something she really wanted to do, she would be showered and hair washed, blow dried, made up and out the door in an hour. She is not going to be honest enough to just say, I am not interested. Why is she not interested? She is dating some 'exciting' drunk that will take chances on wrecking getting her drunk enough to lower her guard. She says: 'He turns me on' Now, the guy she is living with, that pays the bills, is patient with her spending behavior, and cuddles her when she is hurting? 'You just don't turn me on.'
As I have gotten older, women that are on my radar have taken the toll of the years. That's ok, I am getting a bit beat up too. Most of them have not updated any of their behaviors. They are running out of drunks because the ones that have not died from their antics and related health issues, many are permanently in prison. Available? No. Now they are bitter, pissed off, and getting revenge on anyone that gets close. One of the deadly things women say: Whatever.
The standard pattern for decent men: She starts out cute, sexy, playful, interesting, fun, deep sharing. This is the stuff I am looking for. She is showing me a personality I want to be with. Then the pattern starts. First occasionally, but soon always, she is too busy and tired to feel sexy anymore. She stops sharing. It starts to be an effort to get her to talk, she says pretty much nothing, then sandbags the conversation until I stop trying. Then she tells me I shut the relationship down. Right. I was kind. I complimented her when it was meet. When she put on twenty or more pounds, on the bad days I didn't say anything, and on better days I liked her smile or something. Told her she was more cuddly that way. That translates to I made cutting remarks and stopped talking to her. After a while of being alone during shared time, because she was somewhere else, and being last on her list of priorities, I finally walk away.
Since I don't date anymore, cyber relationships are how it works. I have found it is not really any different. I met someone a while back. It followed the usual pattern. At first she was funny and playful. As usual she had her issues, but most of the time was pleasant and interesting. She had a definite sexy side. I was looking forward to meeting her in person. Then the usual changes happened. The sexy side turned into a bunch of excuses and she was not interested any more. She had an injury that was leaving her sore, and I kind of understood, but I also understand the pattern that a woman that wants things to happen makes excuses to happen, and one that does not makes excuses. When she had time, she made it secret because she had other priorities. I thought something had changed because I was seeing what looked like serious chat lag when we talked, and it seemed to get worse. After a while a friend sent me a student. In esoteric work most of the students are women. This one is in a relationship with a woman. She is at least twenty years off the bottom of the radar. I have learned that the only way to have a cross gender training is if there is no inclination to start a relationship. Otherwise the teacher needs to be the same gender as the student. This woman flew into a jealous rage and broke it off because I had that student, and she was ready to go places with the training. She told me I had stopped teaching her. She had started making excuses, and telling me things like it can't work and it isn't right. I stopped trying to get her to see and let her believe what she wanted.
The other day she wanted to try some more. She was talking all sexy and stuff, and I was starting to get happy about it when the chat lag got bad and I thought maybe it would have to wait. Then she pops up with a joke. She is telling me she wants hot chat, and wants me focused, so I put everything else aside for her, then she is checking her messages while telling me how excited she is. Then she tries to tell me there was miscommunication. Sorry, kid, the message is quite clear. I am dead last on the list of priorities, anything that happens with me is not worth your attention, and you are too busy to be bothered with me. That has been coming through for a while.
Women don't seem to understand how the behavior they do every day is hurtful and inconsiderate. A good man is like a chair you set in the corner, get out when you want to use it, and set aside when you have other priorities. Men don't have any feelings, so it is unimportant to care how he feels or what he needs. Just make excuses to do whatever you feel like, and if you are cornered, lie. It is ok to put him off until you frustrate him into giving up, then tell him he doesn't try hard enough. Whatever.
When I put it into plain language. like I have done here, I am doing a 'targeted rant' specifically to be hurtful.
Not really. I have been looking at this for years. I have understood the patterns so well that people that are unaware they are like this become obvious to me. It should not be necessary for a man to lose his human needs and feelings, and be a psychiatrist to have a relationship. When the stone wall is that I am required to give quality to a woman, and she will decide after whether she cares, there is not enough up front for me to get interested.
Whatever. Up for a lot of quiet nights.. again.
I have been divorced 3 times, and thrown about a dozen live-ins out until I just find it easier to live alone. I find it interesting that women often claim to love, and do relationship killer behavior, then swear the man just doesn't understand them. If he really understood them, he would have split before he ever got started.
It took several years of studying lay psychology to understand what I was seeing in relationships. I had been mystified why people treated me like whatever I said had nothing to do with what I meant. I later discovered that this is the usual way people think. They say things are one way, but behave like it is something else entirely. "I want to be successful.", followed up by never making any effort to excel in what they do, never getting any education, never looking for positions in upward mobile situations. What? Is it supposed to fall out of the sky?
In relationship it takes only slightly different form. "I want a good man that will be kind to me and care about me." Oh, really? Is that why you go to the scrounge lounge and go home with any drug addict that will use you and slap you around? Not to mention the three guys at work that have a crib, a ride, and a job, that you act insulted every time they say anything nice to you? How about the decent guy you dated a few times, dangled the candy, then withdrew the offer and waited for him to get frustrated and quit?
Miscommunication, right. I have repeatedly heard things like "I love you, and care for you, but I just can't do that for you." Right. You can go to a bar and do that for some total stranger when you are feeling lonely or have an itch to scratch, but it is too much to ask for the guy you moved in with to want. I have seen both sides of this behavior. A woman that actually wants a particular man will make any excuse to get where she wants to be with him, and a woman that doesn't care will make any excuse to let a man down. Watch the excuses. Then it is all about "we had a miscommunication." .... Right.
When a woman is happy about a man, she makes time to be with him, and makes an effort toward his needs and feelings. When she doesn't care, she makes excuses, and he becomes last on her list of priorities.
The sad thing is that when the man is kind, and complimentary, and tries to show her good feelings, she pores through his efforts looking for any excuse to make a cutting remark out of a compliment, or read an ulterior motive into a kindness.
In the final days of my first marriage my wife of five years finally took off 40 of the 80 extra pounds she was carrying, got a custom bra for that great rack of hers, and some nice clothes. As she dressed for work one day, I was noticing between dressing myself, and commented "Wow, baby, your efforts are really paying off. You are really looking sharp." She burst into tears. She was done with me, and wanted cutting remarks and meanness to justify how she was treating me, and it was hurting her that I was being honestly nice. I live in certainty that she was hanging with women training to make the same complaints they were making about the alcoholics they were with so she could say the same things about me, true or not. When I was kind it took away all the justification for her lies. When she started being out without me on weekends until two in the morning, I got a lawyer.
The standard dating excuse: I am washing my hair, and it takes all evening. As a teenager that worked. After I was married the first time I understood, if she had something she really wanted to do, she would be showered and hair washed, blow dried, made up and out the door in an hour. She is not going to be honest enough to just say, I am not interested. Why is she not interested? She is dating some 'exciting' drunk that will take chances on wrecking getting her drunk enough to lower her guard. She says: 'He turns me on' Now, the guy she is living with, that pays the bills, is patient with her spending behavior, and cuddles her when she is hurting? 'You just don't turn me on.'
As I have gotten older, women that are on my radar have taken the toll of the years. That's ok, I am getting a bit beat up too. Most of them have not updated any of their behaviors. They are running out of drunks because the ones that have not died from their antics and related health issues, many are permanently in prison. Available? No. Now they are bitter, pissed off, and getting revenge on anyone that gets close. One of the deadly things women say: Whatever.
The standard pattern for decent men: She starts out cute, sexy, playful, interesting, fun, deep sharing. This is the stuff I am looking for. She is showing me a personality I want to be with. Then the pattern starts. First occasionally, but soon always, she is too busy and tired to feel sexy anymore. She stops sharing. It starts to be an effort to get her to talk, she says pretty much nothing, then sandbags the conversation until I stop trying. Then she tells me I shut the relationship down. Right. I was kind. I complimented her when it was meet. When she put on twenty or more pounds, on the bad days I didn't say anything, and on better days I liked her smile or something. Told her she was more cuddly that way. That translates to I made cutting remarks and stopped talking to her. After a while of being alone during shared time, because she was somewhere else, and being last on her list of priorities, I finally walk away.
Since I don't date anymore, cyber relationships are how it works. I have found it is not really any different. I met someone a while back. It followed the usual pattern. At first she was funny and playful. As usual she had her issues, but most of the time was pleasant and interesting. She had a definite sexy side. I was looking forward to meeting her in person. Then the usual changes happened. The sexy side turned into a bunch of excuses and she was not interested any more. She had an injury that was leaving her sore, and I kind of understood, but I also understand the pattern that a woman that wants things to happen makes excuses to happen, and one that does not makes excuses. When she had time, she made it secret because she had other priorities. I thought something had changed because I was seeing what looked like serious chat lag when we talked, and it seemed to get worse. After a while a friend sent me a student. In esoteric work most of the students are women. This one is in a relationship with a woman. She is at least twenty years off the bottom of the radar. I have learned that the only way to have a cross gender training is if there is no inclination to start a relationship. Otherwise the teacher needs to be the same gender as the student. This woman flew into a jealous rage and broke it off because I had that student, and she was ready to go places with the training. She told me I had stopped teaching her. She had started making excuses, and telling me things like it can't work and it isn't right. I stopped trying to get her to see and let her believe what she wanted.
The other day she wanted to try some more. She was talking all sexy and stuff, and I was starting to get happy about it when the chat lag got bad and I thought maybe it would have to wait. Then she pops up with a joke. She is telling me she wants hot chat, and wants me focused, so I put everything else aside for her, then she is checking her messages while telling me how excited she is. Then she tries to tell me there was miscommunication. Sorry, kid, the message is quite clear. I am dead last on the list of priorities, anything that happens with me is not worth your attention, and you are too busy to be bothered with me. That has been coming through for a while.
Women don't seem to understand how the behavior they do every day is hurtful and inconsiderate. A good man is like a chair you set in the corner, get out when you want to use it, and set aside when you have other priorities. Men don't have any feelings, so it is unimportant to care how he feels or what he needs. Just make excuses to do whatever you feel like, and if you are cornered, lie. It is ok to put him off until you frustrate him into giving up, then tell him he doesn't try hard enough. Whatever.
When I put it into plain language. like I have done here, I am doing a 'targeted rant' specifically to be hurtful.
Not really. I have been looking at this for years. I have understood the patterns so well that people that are unaware they are like this become obvious to me. It should not be necessary for a man to lose his human needs and feelings, and be a psychiatrist to have a relationship. When the stone wall is that I am required to give quality to a woman, and she will decide after whether she cares, there is not enough up front for me to get interested.
Whatever. Up for a lot of quiet nights.. again.
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