Relationships

    Often, I write to think. It seems when I see my thoughts on a page it is easier to see perspective.
     I have been divorced 3 times, and thrown about a dozen live-ins out until I just find it easier to live alone. I find it interesting that women often claim to love, and do relationship killer behavior, then swear the man just doesn't understand them. If he really understood them, he would have split before he ever got started.
     It took several years of studying lay psychology to understand what I was seeing in relationships. I had been mystified why people treated me like whatever I said had nothing to do with what I meant. I later discovered that this is the usual way people think. They say things are one way, but behave like it is something else entirely. "I want to be successful.", followed up by never making any effort to excel in what they do, never getting any education, never looking for positions in upward mobile situations. What? Is it supposed to fall out of the sky?
      In relationship it takes only slightly different form. "I want a good man that will be kind to me and care about me." Oh, really? Is that why you go to the scrounge lounge and go home with any drug addict that will use you and slap you around? Not to mention the three guys at work that have a crib, a ride, and a job, that you act insulted every time they say anything nice to you? How about the decent guy you dated a few times, dangled the candy, then withdrew the offer and waited for him to get frustrated and quit?
    Miscommunication, right. I have repeatedly heard things like "I love you, and care for you, but I just can't do that for you." Right. You can go to a bar and do that for some total stranger when you are feeling lonely or have an itch to scratch, but it is too much to ask for the guy you moved in with to want. I have seen both sides of this behavior. A woman that actually wants a particular man will make any excuse to get where she wants to be with him, and a woman that doesn't care will make any excuse to let a man down. Watch the excuses. Then it is all about "we had a miscommunication." .... Right.
      When a woman is happy about a man, she makes time to be with him, and makes an effort toward his needs and feelings. When she doesn't care, she makes excuses, and he becomes last on her list of priorities.
    The sad thing is that when the man is kind, and complimentary, and tries to show her good feelings, she pores through his efforts looking for any excuse to make a cutting remark out of a compliment, or read an ulterior motive into a kindness.
     In the final days of my first marriage my wife of five years finally took off 40 of the 80 extra pounds she was carrying, got a custom bra for that great rack of hers, and some nice clothes. As she dressed for work one day, I was noticing between dressing myself, and commented "Wow, baby, your efforts are really paying off. You are really looking sharp." She burst into tears. She was done with me, and wanted cutting remarks and meanness to justify how she was treating me, and it was hurting her that I was being honestly nice. I live in certainty that she was hanging with women training to make the same complaints they were making about the alcoholics they were with so she could say the same things about me, true or not. When I was kind it took away all the justification for her lies. When she started being out without me on weekends until two in the morning, I got a lawyer.
     The standard dating excuse: I am washing my hair, and it takes all evening. As a teenager that worked. After I was married the first time I understood, if she had something she really wanted to do, she would be showered and hair washed, blow dried, made up and out the door in an hour. She is not going to be honest enough to just say, I am not interested. Why is she not interested? She is dating some 'exciting' drunk that will take chances on wrecking getting her drunk enough to lower her guard. She says: 'He turns me on' Now, the guy she is living with, that pays the bills, is patient with her spending behavior, and cuddles her when she is hurting? 'You just don't turn me on.'
     As I have gotten older, women that are on my radar have taken the toll of the years. That's ok, I am getting a bit beat up too. Most of them have not updated any of their behaviors. They are running out of drunks because the ones that have not died from their antics and related health issues, many are permanently in prison. Available? No. Now they are bitter, pissed off, and getting revenge on anyone that gets close. One of the deadly things women say: Whatever.
      The standard pattern for decent men: She starts out cute, sexy, playful, interesting, fun, deep sharing. This is the stuff I am looking for. She is showing me a personality I want to be with. Then the pattern starts. First occasionally, but soon always, she is too busy and tired to feel sexy anymore. She stops sharing. It starts to be an effort to get her to talk, she says pretty much nothing, then sandbags the conversation until I stop trying. Then she tells me I shut the relationship down. Right. I was kind. I complimented her when it was meet. When she put on twenty or more pounds, on the bad days I didn't say anything, and on better days I liked her smile or something. Told her she was more cuddly that way. That translates to I made cutting remarks and stopped talking to her. After a while of being alone during shared time, because she was somewhere else, and being last on her list of priorities, I finally walk away.
     Since I don't date anymore, cyber relationships are how it works. I have found it is not really any different. I met someone a while back. It followed the usual pattern. At first she was funny and playful. As usual she had her issues, but most of the time was pleasant and interesting. She had a definite sexy side. I was looking forward to meeting her in person. Then the usual changes happened. The sexy side turned into a bunch of excuses and she was not interested any more. She had an injury that was leaving her sore, and I kind of understood, but I also understand the pattern that a woman that wants things to happen makes excuses to happen, and one that does not makes excuses. When she had time, she made it secret because she had other priorities. I thought something had changed because I was seeing what looked like serious chat lag when we talked, and it seemed to get worse. After a while a friend sent me a student. In esoteric work most of the students are women. This one is in a relationship with a woman. She is at least twenty years off the bottom of the radar. I have learned that the only way to have a cross gender training is if there is no inclination to start a relationship. Otherwise the teacher needs to be the same gender as the student. This woman flew into a jealous rage and broke it off because I had that student, and she was ready to go places with the training. She told me I had stopped teaching her. She had started making excuses, and telling me things like it can't work and it isn't right. I stopped trying to get her to see and let her believe what she wanted.
     The other day she wanted to try some more. She was talking all sexy and stuff, and I was starting to get happy about it when the chat lag got bad and I thought maybe it would have to wait. Then she pops up with a joke. She is telling me she wants hot chat, and wants me focused, so I put everything else aside for her, then she is checking her messages while telling me how excited she is. Then she tries to tell me there was miscommunication. Sorry, kid, the message is quite clear. I am dead last on the list of priorities, anything that happens with me is not worth your attention, and you are too busy to be bothered with me. That has been coming through for a while.
      Women don't seem to understand how the behavior they do every day is hurtful and inconsiderate. A good man is like a chair you set in the corner, get out when you want to use it, and set aside when you have other priorities. Men don't have any feelings, so it is unimportant to care how he feels or what he needs. Just make excuses to do whatever you feel like, and if you are cornered, lie. It is ok to put him off until you frustrate him into giving up, then tell him he doesn't try hard enough. Whatever.
       When I put it into plain language. like I have done here, I am doing a 'targeted rant'  specifically to be hurtful.
      Not really. I have been looking at this for years. I have understood the patterns so well that people that are unaware they are like this become obvious to me. It should not be necessary for a man to lose his human needs and feelings, and be a psychiatrist to have a relationship. When the stone wall is that I am required to give quality to a woman, and she will decide after whether she cares, there is not enough up front for me to get interested.
      Whatever. Up for a lot of quiet nights.. again.